Language Around End of Life-Rethinking How We Talk About Death and Dying

Carrie Hyde, MD

07 Apr 2025 — 2 min read

In American culture, we are obsessed with the language of battle. We "fight" diseases. We "win" or "lose" our health struggles. And when a cure is no longer possible, we are told that pursuing hospice or palliative care is "giving up." This militarized language around illness shapes our perceptions of death, often making it seem like an avoidable defeat rather than an inevitable part of life.

Kate Bowler, in her deeply personal and insightful book Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved, challenges this very notion. As a scholar and young mother facing a terminal cancer diagnosis, she reflects on how people instinctively reach for platitudes and expressions of hope, often out of their own discomfort. "Everything happens for a reason," they say. Or, "You’re so strong—you’ll beat this!" These phrases, while well-intended, can make the recipient feel like their suffering must have a higher purpose or that they are failing if they do not recover.

The language we use matters. It frames our experiences and influences how we navigate illness, caregiving, and grief. When we talk about a person who "lost their battle with cancer," we imply that if only they had fought harder, they might have survived. When we call a recovery a "miracle," we risk alienating those who do not get one. And when we say that someone choosing hospice has "stopped fighting," we reinforce the idea that death is a failure rather than a transition deserving of just as much care, dignity, and preparation as birth.

How We Can Do Better

1. Shift the Metaphors

Instead of battles, consider language that reflects reality more compassionately. Illness can be a journey—one with unexpected turns, difficult terrain, and meaningful stops along the way. We can acknowledge the body’s natural processes without assigning blame or triumph.

2. Replace “Giving Up” with “Choosing Comfort”

People in hospice or palliative care are not surrendering; they are making an active, courageous choice to focus on quality of life. We should acknowledge and honor that decision as one of wisdom, not weakness.

3. Stop Using “Everything Happens for a Reason”

This phrase can feel dismissive to those in pain. Instead, simply be present. "I see you. I’m here with you." Those words hold more comfort than any attempt at forced optimism.

4. Expand Our Understanding of Hope

Hope does not have to mean cure. It can mean comfort, love, connection, or even the chance to say goodbye well. Let’s help families redefine what hope looks like in serious illness.

5. Offer Meaningful Condolences

When someone passes away, it can be difficult to find the right words. Instead of saying, "I'm sorry for your loss," consider:

"I’m holding you in my thoughts during this difficult time."
"I don’t have the right words, but I want you to know I care."
"I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. I’m here if you need anything."
"Wishing you comfort and peace as you navigate this loss."
"I’ll always remember [name] and the impact they had on so many lives."
"Please know that you’re not alone, and I’m here for you."
"If you ever want to talk, share memories, or just sit in silence, I’m here."
"Sending you love and strength in this difficult moment."

By changing how we talk about the end of life, we can offer something far more valuable than a battle cry—we can offer true presence, deep understanding, and a language that honors the complexity of life and death alike.